The other day, I lied to one of my best friends. I did not just stretch the truth, or omit the truth – I blatantly lied. There is no way around it. However, I had a good reason for doing so, and in truth, I was actually trying to protect her.
No, really, I was. You see, both my ex boyfriend and myself are friends of hers. We had both accepted invitations to a party she was throwing, and when push came to shove, I just couldn’t bring myself to go. At the same time, I did not want to let her know how uncomfortable it was for me to be around my ex, as I did not want to make her feel like she had to choose between us. So I used the classic lie, and told her that I was not feeling well. To make matters worse, I made other plans. I justified my actions by rationalizing that plenty of other people were going to the party, and that there would be less tension without my presence.
The situation made me wonder: Does the intended purpose of a lie make it wrong or right? We are all familiar with the negative reasons associated with lies, but what about the times we do so with the best of intentions? In these cases, why do people lie?
According to biologist Jeremy Griffith, “So that’s why people lie – to protect themselves from unjust condemnation. Since the greater truth is that humans aren’t fundamentally bad, a lie that said we weren’t bad was less of a lie than a partial truth that said we were. In this sense, the lie that ‘The apple pie fell in my lap’ was actually more honest than the truth that ‘I stole the apple pie’.”
Does this mean my lie was not a selfless gesture after all? Was I simply trying to protect myself from my friend’s condemnation of my inability to move on from my ex?
Philosopher Immanuel Kant took a slightly different approach, espousing the belief that telling any kind of lie, regardless of intentions, violates the liar’s own dignity. Furthermore, Kant asserted that lying or deception in any form would be forbidden under any interpretation and in any circumstance, as it would logically contradict the reliability of language and all truths would be assumed to be lies.
There are several different general schools of thought in regard to the morality of lying. Utilitarians determine whether an action is wrong or right by reviewing the consequences of the action. If telling a lie produces a better result than telling the truth, then the lie is acceptable and even applauded.
Deontologists, on the other hand, base the morality of actions on universal laws, as opposed to the results of the actions. Therefore, an act is right or wrong regardless of whether it produces good consequences or bad consequences. Since a commonly held belief is that lying is wrong, a deontologist would consider every single lie to be wrong.
I suppose, then, that the lie I told my friend makes me somewhat of a utilitarian. I genuinely believe that telling her the truth would only put her in a bad position. I stand by this belief. Perhaps we all lie to ease whatever burden, be it selfish or selfless, we are facing in that particular situation.
Disclaimer: I was compensated by the sponsor for this post.
Although I understand why you lied I too feel that if she really is a good friend you should talk to her about your problem being around your ex. We all lie at some point, often not to hurt someone’s feelings, and for me that usually justifies the “little white lie”.
Like you said, it depends on what the purpose of the lie is. In your case I dont feel the lie was something that hurt anyone, and it wasnt malicious nor was iit one you wouldd actually benefit from.
You chose not to make a friend uncomfortable.
If she is a good friend, perhaps before the next party you could taalk with her and just tell her being around you ex makes you still uncomfortable.