This week has been a very rough week for me and today I am going to tell you all about it. My mother and father divorced when I was 5 years old and from that time on my great auntie stepped in to help my single mother raise two children. My great auntie is the sister of my maternal grandmother (who died in 1972) and has never had any children of her own. My great auntie and great uncle were always like grandparents to my brother and I. At times we even call them nana and pappy. Well, 3 years ago my great uncle passed away and that left my elderly great auntie alone. At the time she was 83 and in decent health but not perfect health.
Over the past 3 years my mother, myself and my husband have been her primary caretakers. None of us live with her and none of us can live with her. Over the past 3 years we have seen her physical and mental health go downhill, but she has refused to move into a smaller place and has refused to go to assisted living. Legally we haven’t been able to do anything about it even though we are her legal power of attorneys. Her doctors felt that even though she had “issues” she didn’t need full-time nursing care yet.
Well, a month ago she fell and for 3 weeks we ran back and forth to the ER (where they drugged her and released her) and to several different doctors. She was in agony and could barely move, to the point she screamed in pain almost constantly. Finally we had enough and demanded that the ER admit her and do tests. They did and what they found was that she fractured her back numerous times, her nose and her hip. ugh! They then did surgery a few days later. She can no longer stand up straight as they had to cement 4 of her vertebrae together in her upper back.
She hates hospitals, hates doctors, hates medications (feels they are poision, etc) so she doesn’t make a good patient and doesn’t listen to medical professionals. We finally got a doctor to order a skilled nursing facility for her and we had her transferred from the hospital to a nursing home on Wednesday. Great Auntie absolutely hates it and wants to be home NOW. We got the doctors to order a minimum of 20 days which is all that medicare pays for. Once the 20 days are up, medicare stops paying and we have to wait to see if the doctors rule her medically unfit to live alone. It’s a wait and see thing.
Honestly, we can not take care of her anymore…we just can’t! After 3 years we are emotionally and physically drained. I am even worried about my mother who does 80% of aunties care as she is totally exhausted, 66 years old and not in the best of health either. Auntie is being a bugger and wants to come home, hates it in the nursing home and is demanding to come home in a few days. Sigh, what a mess.
Anyway, consenting for her to go into the nursing home is one of the hardest things my mother and I have had to do. It totally breaks my heart as I know she hates it there but we just can’t give her the care that she needs. I have been an emotional wreck for the past week and just totally stressed out. I swear…this is sooooooooo hard and I just hope that we all can find some peace with this soon as my heart breaks every day over this decision.
Have any of you ever had to make that decision for a loved one and put them into a skilled nursing facility? If so, how did you deal with it? Got any tips or suggestions for me on how to emotionally handle this? Thanks!
It really is never easy….. My Mom worked in the nursing field for many many years, and in fact worked in the County Home until she retired. After her 3rd stroke, and after 5 years caring for her,(and me being worn out) she had to make a decision and she knew it. She always said she wanted to go where she had worked as she the patients were treated well- and she HATED it after 2 weeks.
She came back home briefly while I checked out other places, and we found one that seemed alright. She made some friends and entertained the CNAs with her stories. I dont think she minded it there .
It honestly is never easy….. they give up nearly everything when they go into skilled nursing long term- it is difficult and heartbreaking. My Mom was aware enough to know what happened having been on the ‘other side’ of the desk for so long, but for those who have only visited it can be an adjustment.
I hope your great Auntie comes to terms with whats happening- perhaps if there is a counselor available there she can talk, or if she has a church she attends her pastor might come in to calm her fears. I dont know where your great Auntie is located but in most cities they have elder resources- you could call and ask the hospital social worker (if one is available) what/who might help.
And do not feel guilty…… it won’t help you or your Auntie.
Thanks Ellen for your comments. Yeah, auntie’s mind is semi-decent. She is mentally with-it about 65-70% of the day. The other portion of the day she gets really confused. On top of this she has OCD but refuses and always has refused to take medication for it. The OCD is a problem she refuses help for and wow, it drives us nuts.
Whether she likes it or not…it is going to come down to money. We are estimating that once the hospital bill, surgery bill and the first 20 days in this skilled nursing facility are done she will only have $10,000 left and that certainly isn’t enough to live on. She will have to do something one way or the other.
We did schedule for a psych doc to come evaluate her at the nursing home later this week so hopefully that will help us to help her better.
Not an identical situation but similar. i wish i had words of wisdom to impart but alas i have none. i will say that you & your family members had a hobson’s choice of a decision to make and just going by what you’ve shared here you made the only decision you could—the one that was best for all concerned. Please don’t beat yourselves up. i know it’s difficult not to, but when you begin to feel that way just know in your heart you did the right thing. Even if she is unable to express it i believe your great auntie know that too. Keeping good thoughts for all of you <3
thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes just typing that all up but it did feel good to release some of that from inside (if you know what I mean). I guess I just feel guilty or wish I was in better health myself so that I could care for her but I just can’t. Not sure how this will play out after her 20 days are up as Medicare only covers 20 days.